I think we all go through phases of not feeling like we fit in. Feeling a real ‘otherness’. Disconnected. The primary person we need to connect with ourselves. Getting mind and body. Soul and spirit. Heart and ego, however you want to refer to them, working in tandem.
Once that is more or less on track, allowing us be more authentic in our thinking, self talk, decision making and action, we’ll give off different vibes, and as we are calmer within ourselves and more able to look outwards, we will be able to see more opportunity to do good for the lives of others. When we become interested in how others are doing and want to help ease their pain, ours is also often alleviated. It is then that we can feel more connected, like we’re relevant, helpful, part of something bigger.
So many of us have the same dark anxieties, the same self worth issues and allowing these to be more evident, sharing the good times as well as the bad, can help others open up with their stuff too. We really are all carrying crosses.
Silently and with guilt at times. We never really know what issues the other person is dealing with so being kind and giving people the benefit of the doubt can help us as well as them.
This is not the same as letting someone walk all over you! Please keep yourself safe emotionally as well as physically and don’t override your gut instinct. How often have you thought I KNEW this would happen or I sensed this. But you let it go. Of course, we can’t act on every whim but it’s part of learning to listen to yourself, and noticing, then having a little think about what evidence there might actually be for your uneasy gut feeling. Usually there’s something. And then I wish us all the courage to act on this.
Saying no is a really important part of self care. It’s such a big topic that I am going to write some more about this on my new blog ‘A Moment with Meissner’. But for now, my suggestion is to think of a way of saying no nicely. Firstly notice that you want to say no. Honour yourself by not ignoring this! (cos if you go ahead and say yes you WILL hate yourself AND the person you said yes to. Not to mention perhaps letting them down and then feeling bad all over again!!) Then say something simple like, thank you for asking, I am flattered but I am sorry it’s not something I can take on right now. Or can I ask some more questions about this so I can see if I would be the right person to help you (if you’re not sure).
Keeping yourself safe is also about not letting people give you unsolicited advice which might perhaps derail you. And linked to that, being careful who you actually ask. In my experience we do actually know all the answers. We’re just looking for someone to give us the courage/encouragement to take that step. Especially if it seems a walk on the wild side!! Unfortunately we can’t always guarantee the person will tell us what we’re after and then there’s awkwardness when they realise you’ve not done what they suggested.
So they also feel rejected. Lose /lose I am afraid. So keep your own counsel for the decisions that really matter TO YOU. Only you can know the real back story and all the variables. Only you know how strongly you feel about something and it’s not for someone else to invalidate that. So don’t give them that opportunity on the critical issues. The issues that are critical for your mental wellbeing.
It’s not a smooth path, there will be days when we stumble and perhaps feel lost again. It’s a good idea to revisit or double check what’s important to us now. Assess, kindly without judgement, where we might have reacted in a way that was not helpful to ourselves or indeed others around us. Notice, think about it, what we could have done differently that might have been more positive, perhaps apologise (to ourselves or others), clear the air, move on. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Don’t let what has gone before hold you back any longer. You owe it to yourself. You’re worth it.

If you’d like to talk about anything these notes bring up for you, please email helefonix@gmail.com