How often do we ask ourselves ‘who do we want to be?’ It’s something that gets asked a lot of us when we’re younger isn’t it? But with a twist, everyone wants to know WHAT we want to be.
As an adult, after years of conditioning, we might need to go back to that question, and look behind our various masks. It’s difficult because for many we have become the persona we felt society demanded of us. So in a way it’s clean slate time, time to ‘play’ in a way. To really fantasise. And it’s not easy. We’re conditioned to conform and fit into society, seamlessly and obediently.
New roles emerge and old roles change throughout our life. Masks are worn. Pretty much all the time. What’s appropriate in one setting most often is not in another. We often learn the hard way. And it’s sometimes toe curlingly embarrassing. And we struggle to forgive ourselves. It’s a real problem. It stops us getting out of the boxes we’ve allowed ourselves to be put in. And gradually saps our energy and joy til we might feel like a 2D version of ourselves.

Am I being too dramatic here? Sorry if this does not resonate. I know it will for a number of people reading. Our fear of doing something which is ‘wrong’ or which makes people think we are a loser, or which makes people talk about us in a way we feel to be disrespectful or unkind is palpable. Which is a million times worse if we find we actually agree with some of it at some level (or would if we’re being honest with ourselves). Being ‘found out’, being called a fraud, a fake... does that strike fear into the heart of you? Make you feel sick? If so we have to go there. It’s also sometimes called Imposter Syndrome. What if someone realises that I am actually winging it and making it up as I go along? Join the club!

Perhaps we’ve striven to be the child our parents always wanted? The pupil the teachers were proud of? The friend that never let anyone down? The lover who always excited? The star at work? The parent who loved unconditionally and didn’t ‘fuck their children up’? (thanks for that ironic cross to bear, Philip Larkin). And perhaps we’ve not been 100% successful in those quests?

The reality is we cannot please all the people all of the time. And anyway, how people react really does say more about them than about us. We might have inadvertently touched upon one of their red flags, one of their insecurities about themselves and they then overreact to something that really, is NOT a big deal to us. Ever noticed this?
Well we all have a choice about how we react to someone else’s negative behaviour towards us. And I have learnt to, in the most part, notice it, assess it and then move on.

As we can’t guarantee to please others, you might as well please the most important person in your life. You. And as a bonus, if you are comfortable and accepting of yourself, kind and perhaps loving and tolerant (like you would be to a friend?), you will draw people into your life who recognise those qualities. And do yourself a favour. Others, manipulators or narcissists, will be attracted too as they will think that they can have a very nice life with you, assuming you are a pushover. Please always notice your interchanges and exchanges with them. And as soon as something happens which presents a red flag for you, investigate it, discuss it and act on your instinct if you realise this person is not as good for you as they might have appeared early on.
People CAN change and you might be the first person to have pointed this unacceptable behaviour out to them. So give them a chance to redeem if that’s what you both want. But just keep an eye out for behaviour which ‘jars’, which seems ‘out of character’ from the persona they have been presenting. Perhaps they are masking too and what you are seeing is a glimpse of the real person. How often, when a relationship has broken down do we think ‘I actually saw the signs early on but ignored them as a ‘one off’ or insignificant (or just ignored them as that was easier? Please don’t ignore them. At the very least explore (perhaps not immediately) what you witnessed or noticed. Ultimately, our society encourages us to be in stable coupledom but it’s better to be in a good relationship with yourself than a bad relationship with someone else.

So WHO do you wanna be – NOW?